I don’t think I ever knew what love was until the day I met you.

I didn’t understand what felt like when two souls intertwined to become one.

I wasn’t expecting to feel the way I do.

But everything about you screams yes even when part of me is saying no.

Your breath it takes mine away.

I see an ocean in your eyes when you look into mine.

Your dreams, your hopes, your fears, your deepest darkest secrets are now mine.

We are one.  We will always be one. 


The poison, it lingers on my skin.

Your words are loud, they echo, they take over and cloud my sense of reality.

I’ve been waiting and waiting for this battle to end.

But you know you can’t take back all of what said, what you did.

These wounds, were only meant to be skin deep.

But even though the scars have now faded, they still are evident.

My soul it still aches; my mind it still craves attention that I know it can’t take.


Even after all this time,

You can’t face me and say you love me

I guess it’s for the best

I don’t like to show my feelings anyway

I don’t know how I would react

Or what I would say

You were never the emotional type right

But I saw you show kindness and love to others all the time

I was always the broken child

The lonely child

The one who felt like I didn’t belong

I turned to others for what you should have given me

What you should of expressed

But even then I was so wrong

Sometimes I just want to scream

Scream why don’t you love me

Why don’t you care?

I thought this was supposed to be unconditional

I thought I was supposed to be your little girl

I was always jealous of my friends

How their fathers loved them how they cared

They were their little princesses

But I, I was just invisible.

I craved your attention, but I got the wrong kind

Mama always said it was fine that there was nothing wrong

That I shouldn’t speak, I shouldn’t say no

I should just listen and accept because that’s how you love.

Love isn’t supposed to hurt I learnt that the hard way

You set me up to fail.

I thought there was something wrong with me

I let boys treat me badly

I let them take away me from me

Because you never showed me what real love is

And I was grasping on to anything, to everything

Until it slowly killed me.

But I am not that little girl anymore

Yes I wish you would show me you cared

But I don’t need a man to tell me my self worth

I don’t need a man to define who I am

You say you don’t like the person that I have become

But I am stronger than I have ever been before.

I am a better me.

I am a product of your dysfunctional love.

The Fat Kid.

I was always the fat kid; I have always been the fat friend, the fat sibling and honestly even the fat cousin. I grew up always been told I was fat. I never even understood why. I now look back at baby pictures and I cringe at how chubby and how much I looked like a little boy. Truth be told I was nearly always mistaken for a little boy, it must of been my mushroom style hair cut and at the times my boyish features and the fact I wore boys clothing because it just fit me a lot better. I guess when I was around that age none of that really mattered to me obviously because I was just a child but as I grew older my weight and the way I looked started to consume my life.

I think the first time I ever thought of myself as fat when I was around 7 years old. I was never bullied and none of the kids ever called me fat I don’t even think they saw that as I thing but to me it was a huge problem. I remember not fitting into store bought trousers or skirts so my mum used to sew me some for my school uniform. This was really hard on me and it just made me feel like I was an elephant and nothing I would do could ever change that.  Looking back now I think wow I was so stupid I wasn’t even that big I was normal but I was surrounded by people who told me I was fat, I was too big and it made me ugly.

It really hit me when I went to Pakistan; this is when I stayed there for a year. As soon as we arrived to our family home the first thing everyone commented on was my weight. I was 11 at the time and I was not feeling myself. As most Asian girls know we are sadly very hairy and I was not the best looking. I was a fat kid with a uni-brow and a subtle moustache, it’s every little girls dream I tell you. I envied my brothers who took more to my mother’s side of the family in genetics field. I on the other hand took after my dads and I hated that so much. Everyone was big besides my dad who was a bit a gym junkie and a health freak. Not to mention my cousins who were a year old than me oh dear Lord I was a big, big, big kid compared to them. It always got to me how I was the only person who was fat in my whole entire family.

After I spent that year abroad I came home and that is when my weight became the biggest issues on earth. I would spend hours on end crying at how ugly and big I was. My family would tell me I was fat everyday. (I don’t think their intentions were bad but they just never understood how to communicate properly) They made it a bigger issue than it already was. We started dieting as a family, which nobody but my dad and I followed only because I was forced to. I worked out on the thread mill it was like being at military boot camp, it really was. Sometimes I would feel like I’m dying but I wasn’t allowed to stop until my time was up. I guess it worked but it felt like torture at the time.

During this period I was struggling with other things which I won’t go into but I started to cut myself and for some odd reason I started to lose my appetite and I was rapidly losing weight. Within a few months I lost about 3/4 stones and wow did that feel like the best thing ever.  I stopped running and dieting and I just clutched on to cutting myself because in my head if I wanted to stay skinny I needed to continue to self-harm. I really hated myself and I was always so angry and the fact that I could kill two birds with one stone it was the best thing on earth for me it really was.

When I started college I was down to a size 10 but that obliviously wasn’t enough so I just stopped eating properly.  I remember only eating once a day and my meal used to consist of a juice box and a packet of crisp. When I got home I would lie and say I ate way too much for lunch so I wasn’t hungry. That worked so easily I guess because I was always fat no one felt the need to question if I really ate because me eating less was apparently a good thing. I eventually went down to a size 6. I remember my friend’s kind of freaking out because I got really skinny it didn’t look right. My collarbones would stick out, I had a tiny waist and ultimately I was always feeling sick. I would be in constant pain this is all while I am still cutting myself. I eventually stopped self-harming and tired to eat food but we weren’t best friends to being with.

I went through another rough patch where I honestly thought in my  stupid little head that everything was over because it felt like it was. But this time things didn’t work out the same way I started cutting again and this time around all I wanted to do way eat. Eat all my sorrows away and honestly that is what I did. I ate and I cut myself and I cried. Until it got to the point where I was back to where I started being fat and ugly again. I exercised and dieted and I did everything I could think of but nothing was working. I was constantly going back and forth until this day.

I never really learnt to love myself and for the longest time I have lived in fear that I would so easily slip back into my old ways. But this year I have made a conscious decision to work on myself and allow myself to get to my happy place. I don’t enjoy that I don’t fit into the clothes I want to or that I am not fully able to embrace the way I look but I know I want to work on me physically and mentally. I want to work on it the right way and take things slow. Not rush and end up hurting myself in the process. I want to be happy with me and I need to do all of this for myself, not because somebody else tells me that need to. At the end of the day you’ve got to look out for yourself take care of yourself because if you don’t its unlikely somebody else will. So here’s to moving forward and conquering our demons. To a better future, a healthier and much happier life. Here’s to understanding that being selfish when if comes to yourself isn’t wrong its okay.